We are our own best sabotagers, aren’t we? We feed into the lies we tell ourselves due to a number of different reasons. I’m in a new season of life where I’m constantly running into inspirational stepping stones which speak volumes for my self confidence. Don’t get me wrong, having self confidence and being boastful are two completely different concepts. Though, the end result of a task usually boils down to our self confidence which is the foundation of belief that we’re good enough, worthy enough to complete it in the first place. This is an area I’ve lacked greatly the past year in particular.
This time last year, I was working as a taxi dispatcher for a man who 1) took great pleasure in debating with anyone whose belief in God didn’t align with his– which he relentlessly denied there was one, and 2) treated his staff like soldiers in Nazi Germany. This man cut me down to size at every turn, and on many occasions held no qualms about berating me and my abilities via telephone at three o’clock in the morning. His alcoholism and addiction to video games occupied his time otherwise, when he wasn’t instilling fear of his superiority into the employees at his company. I’d worked so hard, given him extra hours of overtime and was first to volunteer when another dispatcher would be consistently late or call in altogether. By the end of November after making what I thought was a reasonable business decision, giving a hard working driver some much deserved reprieve, I’d been reduced to nothing more than pond scum and my confidence in doing any job at all made me inferior to the lies thrashing around my mind that I was not good enough to excel at anything ever again– professionally or personally.
“But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction.” (2 Peter 2:1 ESV)
I cannot count how many times this egomaniac sent my blood pressure and anxiety through the roof of our ozone layer. While none of this is the key concept for today’s blog entry, it does however help me land the plane for my primary moral of the story. Sabotaging our truth. Whatever truth may be sinking into our hearts, it’s not there for no apparent reason. It’s there for when we finally decide to toss the rhetoric of failure by the wayside and give our full-self into something without fear, without deniability, just diving in head first.
This month has certainly spoken volumes to my self confidence practically more so than any other time in my life. While it hasn’t gone without some real heart-ache and deep conversations with God–even prayers in a different language I swear to Him that I have no recollection of its coherency–I’m coming out of the month stronger than I was entering it. And if anyone truly knows me, I have not been fond of the number nine. (September being the ninth month of the year). But by the grace of His Holiness, I am certainly coming out feeling like David after he conquered his giant with nothing more than a rock. Both professionally, and personally.
Something occurred to me last week, as I struggled in more than difficult waters, another lesson learned and I did something I hadn’t done since 2016. Any other time before my transition back to the Godly flow of things, I would have told myself I was not worthy of cooking something that required poultry. Each time I’d previously think of preparing something which requires the utmost care and consideration to temperature and storage, I’d remind myself that if I practically burn a pot of water, how could I cook chicken in the oven? However these days, budget conquers convenience and I needed to just do it because a carnivorous beast like yours truly cannot survive on salads with cottage cheese alone, and sliced deli meat is rather costly. Upon returning home from the grocery, I was presented with two cooking mediums. I have a decent sized Crock-Pot, which for one person is way big enough but you should know me by now if not personally, that my brain is only capable of an all-or-nothing mentality. Or I have an oven and pans to bake in, like people have done for centuries. I wanted so much to take the easy way out, giving thought to the allure of convenience. But something else, something more omnipotent [God] nudged me in the direction of baking my barbeque chicken thighs the old fashioned way. The method which required culinary brilliance I thought I hadn’t been worthy of. But I proved my inhibitions wrong, and boy am I glad I did.
Outside of looking up which temperature and time-frame online to bake chicken thighs, I did everything else by what my mind was guiding me to do. When my timer went off to remove the chicken, after the 45 minutes I’d been instructed to wait from online, I noticed most of the pieces remained relatively pink beneath the skin. So instead of panicking and throwing my fists to the heavens for sending me down the avenue of failure, I decided to keep a patient attitude and figured I’d let them cook another 20 minutes before removing to pour the sauce over them. This proved to be the appropriate approach. Sure enough, after allowing the extra time, they came out looking almost perfect and the extra 10 minutes of baking with the sauce slathered across them would be the right amount of time.
“[to] put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, [and to] be renewed in the spirit of your minds, [and to] put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24 ESV)
Within minutes, I found myself settling in to enjoy the meal I’d prepared. Sure, it was no complex recipe and something most of you could have done in a state of sleepwalking, but I was happy with the result. I was so satisfied that I didn’t listen to the lies deep within telling me that I would mess up even the simplest of entree. This has further sparked my interest to dive back into a world of discovering my inner culinary self. Since I can now cook chicken the old fashioned way, come November, I aim to accomplish my next poultry mission. I have never cooked a turkey, but I figure at 32, it’s high time I stop self sabotaging myself and just go for it. All I truly need for that is a cooking thermometer, to ensure the inside is the temperature it should be.
And on the professional front, I am headed into this seasonal job on Monday with the confidence and patience that I am capable of achieving the necessary skills and knowledge required to do it with faith and confidence. It may only be customer service, but this is the most exposure to customer service I’ve had since mid last year.
I hope everyone has a wonderful new week upon us. It’s bound to get colder here in Colorado, as we welcome the changing of seasons with open hearts. If you have any good Autumn reads to enjoy under a nice weighted blanket, please send them in my direction.
The Heart Mechanic 