Why I Don’t Want You To Read This Post

After reading this through before pasting into my blog, I almost wasn’t going to post this entry. But then I realized that this is an excellent opportunity to display my own flaws and weaknesses because some of my posts may seem “preachy” (and I’m barely even qualified to give my own self advice, let alone any of you), but I’ll leave this up to you to read or not. It’s a very raw look into my life which I often keep hidden behind a mask. I apologize in advance there is no real scripture in today’s post. Some days The Holy Spirit just knows what we need even if we don’t actively seek it that day.

It’s been a hard fought day. It isn’t some strange phenomena for tears to fall from my eyelids, but it is out of the ordinary when they’re a result of loneliness. Given how I feel about living alone and being in a quiet atmosphere, you should be asking, “Chuck, how can you cry about being lonely when you enjoy being alone so much?” The short answer to that is, there are stark differences between the act of being alone and the object of loneliness.

On the same side of the coin, one could hypothesize I brought this all on myself. And while you’d be correct, it was not a feat won all by it’s lonesome. I speak often about how it feels to be autistic, and while that’s such a huge part of my life (especially as I get older and older), it isn’t the single most thing which causes me so much affliction. I don’t talk about bipolar disorder too much because for the majority of my adult life, I have denied it. Sure, there have always been the problems presenting themselves in the fashion which wreak havoc (sometimes more than autism) in my personal life. But I hate to admit it due to the stigmatic effects it has in society today. I’d be closer to the truth if only I just offered this window of transparency to my readers. And after today, I feel it’s the perfect opportunity to come clean with how it makes me feel. And while surely it is not all of the baggage I carry in my mind–for there are other things which make me a large part of the broken world which you are cut from similar effects–today I’ll focus purely on the mental health aspect. That’s a big enough pill to swallow. Which that in and of itself is an oxymoron for the world of Chuck Franklin, because I haven’t taken a single mood stabilizer or antidepressant since just before Christmas of 2017.

Before I begin, let me address what bipolar disorder and mental illness is not.

• It is not God given.
• It is not learned behavior.
• It is not ‘just an excuse’ for acting irrationally.
• It is not fun.

You might think that list of four things should be self explanatory… an inherent production of common sense. Then there’s the first one. No, I don’t believe in a God who harms His children.

While we were created in His image, I choose to believe that mental illness is brought on by the fall of man which dates back to Adam & Eve. I believe that we have certain differences which are a result of the flawed world that we trample.

It’s caused by genetics and the consequence of environmental impacts and since it’s just like any other DNA trait as is human brilliance or red hair, God uses it as a tool. Nowadays, I choose to think Mental Health is nothing more than a circumstance which God decides to use under His supervision to bring us closer to Him and to measure when our issues can be put to some greater positive use of helping or relating with others.

Bipolar disorder or any other mental illness (note, you will never see or hear me label autism as a disease) is not learned behavior. While we certainly are exposed to it on a daily basis whether we realize it or not, I keep the hope in the fact that my brothers and sisters in Christ don’t use it as an excuse for our occasional bad behavior. I’d also think that neither of us would (in our right minds) choose to act out in anger or agitation. Unfortunately though, since we are so not perfect, it happens. Some are better at identifying their feelings or emotions and can assess better than others and cool down before heating up. But sometimes, we’re all just bound to ‘snap’ and it just ‘is what it is’ every once in a while.

I also hate to break this to anyone who thinks this (and you’d be surprised how many people I’ve heard say this) that bipolar is fun. I’m sorry, but I don’t find joy in spending night after night after night awake researching new subjects or exploring my creativity through paper crafting, or writing, or spending long nights watching movies and taking two hot showers sometimes in an eight hour period just because my brain won’t shut off and let me sleep like the rest of the world. I find joy in those interests most during the light of day. And, I don’t find pleasure in starting new projects or interests on the flip of a dime. But it happens so much with me, I cannot count on one hand how many times I’ve switched interests. On Monday, I can decide that I’m going to take up baking, so the next day or (instantly, as in the pleasures of online shopping) I venture on a spending spree to get new pans and utensils which are necessary to baking. By Friday, I’d have lost complete interest in baking when I meet the demise of my horrible talent at fixing something that another person would dare identify as edible. And in those days in between, I can shockingly survive with two or three short naps the entire week.

The sporadic and messianic zeal of conquering a brand new concept or hobby one minute, then losing interest in whatever half brained idea I’d dreamed up the next, clashes directly with my autistic disdain for change and crave for routine based living.

During these periods of pure mania, I’m generally at the peak of my elated self. I’m so confident and happier than a dog basking in the sun, then usually after an entire day of headaches and throwing my fists in thin air (which typically occur after a week or two from when the mania starts), I plunge straight into the depths of my already sinking mattress. It’s days like this which my mind becomes haunted by the consequences of my behavior. Shame and guilt elude my every thought and I feel the sting of loneliness. It’s in those transitions of rage and anger which I’ve pushed away family members and friends. Now don’t get me wrong, I have arrived at the acceptance that God has cleaned out my inner circle of friends for great reason. However, I am to blame for some of the relational woes and it’s days like this when I shake my head at how unfair mental illness is.

You probably find yourself thinking that I could just try medication again. I should attend rigorous therapy. I should interact with others in person more. And for a typical person, all those could be great suggestions. But like I mentioned above, my mental illness battles the faulty brain wiring and I have a real-life cartoon of the devil on one side of my head and an angelic entity on the other. Medication hasn’t worked in the past, and trust me when I say this, eight years ago when I found out I was both autistic and bipolar, I’d began the entire circuit of medications. They just don’t work for some people. And since moving back to Colorado, I’ve yet to find a suitable therapy provider who truly understands the full scope of my mental health needs without judgment and preconceived bias. Grand Junction leaves much to be desired in a clinical perspective. Much like our doctors here, Western Colorado is full of therapists/psychiatrists and barely any of them measure up to the brilliance which I’d once had in Indiana. They just don’t get it.

So as I lay here, bereft of real gumption to get up and do anything productive, I revert back to my first paragraph. Some days just have me crying tears of regret and loneliness. It’s in these moments which I can’t escape the confines of hell which satan has placed me in, because even if I did have a spouse in my life to bring the physical comfort God wants for me, I’m sure I’d find some way of pushing them away too.

Plastic Doesn’t ‘Always’ Make it Possible (and here’s why)…

This isn’t a brand new post. Some of you will remember this topic– especially if you live in or around Hamilton County back in my other home of Indiana. I posted this topic on the old Christian blog and everyone was coming into my pharmacy telling me how much they liked it and said they’d be asking for paper bags on the next trip to the grocery. But as I recount all my friends that are experiencing some hardships right now, this bears repeating. For myself included.

Recently I’ve been left wondering while in the grocery store checkout line why the clerks never ask for our preference any more—paper or plastic? It’s been an age-old inquiry that consumers from all walks of life have had to resolve ever since the first commercially available plastic grocery bag was introduced to the market in 1982. Thanks Wikipedia. But as of lately, I can’t help but question why we no longer are given that choice each time. Of course paper will always be available, however only upon request. I won’t deny that plastic bags seem to carry heavier items and if you’re like me, then you carry it all at once saving multiple trips unloading groceries upon reaching home. But the paper bags? They’re so roomy and can fit many items. However they’re very insubstantial when carrying heavier canned goods and the like. I know you must be thinking now, Carl would you just get to the point? This is probably the most boring thing I’ll read all week. But friends, I promise by the end of this post you might hopefully be able to grasp onto the thought provoking concept that I’m suggesting.

I’d like to think that our lives are in this 50/50 quandary all the time. You see, our soul is the grocer to our lives. It feeds us knowledge, it rewards us with our own unique personalities and it certainly doesn’t go without letting a few bad apples leave the orchard. On a daily basis we find ourselves faced with difficulties and hard times. It shouldn’t take my pharmaceutical expertise for you to know that one of the most popular drugs on the market is Zoloft or its generic formulation (Sertraline). Zoloft is a medication prescribed to treat neurological imbalances that lead to panic disorders, major depressive disorders and obsessive compulsivity. Depression is at an all-time extreme in our society today and I’d be lying if I said we might be able to cure some (not all) but definitely some of the darkness our hearts are shrouded with. In the letter Paul wrote to the people of Philippi, he communicates the importance of handing over their troubles to God.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)

What the great apostle speaks of is that God doesn’t want us to hold onto our burdens. We need to choose that paper bag. It sure is less durable and it means more trips out to the car, but I think it might behoove any and all of us to do so. You see, we hold onto everything and I myself can be to blame for carrying it all around in a plastic bag with handles. Life doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it. Paul spoke to the townspeople about anxiety and worry. He aimed to encourage them (most of them being retired military families) to become unified and stray away from conceit. Today, I’m certain we all need personal and professional challenges to keep our minds fresh and the exercise (or lack thereof in my case) does us a lot of good. Those are the things that God wants us to carry upon our shoulders—tasks, goals, faith and love. Everything else should be cast upon Him. If we have faith that He’ll guard our hearts and minds through His son Jesus, then we shouldn’t have to worry about it anymore because God will deliver our needs through guidance and lessons. Sorry we won’t be getting that in the form of a government handout, but He will ensure we have the skills to earn it.

So you see, paper bags are meant to be handled delicately. Our soul is providing our life the ability to carry around the things we need. Those things we need are simple and lightweight and if we require more needs than others, then it will require more trips out to the car. But that’s okay because we need the exercise and besides—hard work always pays off. So why do the clerks never ask anymore? Is it the societal norm that because everyone uses plastic that you’d choose it too? What’s easiest must be best, they might think. But in truth, our overpowering ego makes us think that we can fit five or six plastic bags on each arm thus allowing us to carry much heavier loads. All that might potentially do is give us a serious back injury and then we’d be crying over spilled milk for certain. I also think there’s a reason most grocery store paper bags do not have handles. Biblically speaking, God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. And if it doesn’t all fit inside our arms at once, then there’s a reason he doesn’t want us to carry more than we can handle.

What does this mean for us? Simplify. Only carry the lighter things in life and hand Him anything that weighs us down. Ask for paper at the grocery store and recycle them afterwards. Make that second and third trip back to your car if required. If you take medication to aid in a mood disorder such as depression or anxiety, maybe simplifying things here and there will add up and perhaps in a year or two you won’t need that pill anymore. I sure am going to say goodbye to plastic bags from now on also.

Just a sidebar… paper bags are an organic element from one of God’s gifts to us (His green Earth)whereas plastic is synthetic and unheard of in biblical days. There’s a reason Jesus walked in leather sandals after all.

Why I’m Tenacious to a Fault (and Jesus Loves Me Anyway!)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

Pardon my interruption for the night and welcome a freshly pressed entry that arrived just in time to help further my understanding but to share my own personal thoughts with all you lovely blog followers. You should know by now that my life is an open book and these short-notice blog entries may come from time to time as they are fundamental learning moments for anyone’s noggin.

Nighttime comes and the moon comes out. While it may not be a full moon, anxiety still lurks from the depths of twilight and worry plays an eerie violin inside the heart. What’s to come of this week? Will something bad happen? Is something bad happening right now? Too many questions can fill our heads when we aren’t focusing on the good, the peaceful and the righteousness of Jesus Christ as scripture states in Phil 4:6.

Tonight I’m going to admit that I’m afflicted in this very moment. Just as sure as I know that today was the calm before a storm, I’m most certain tomorrow will be a giant flood. As you should know by now, the bible promises that there will be trouble tomorrow and always. The devil’s right there around the corner waiting to jump out and bite us in the rear.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34)

I am very fond of the Joel Osteen Ministries. I owe many due thanks to Mr. Osteen and his team for they’re always on Facebook speaking of those good, peaceful and righteous things in the name of Christ. Tonight was no different in the delivery of a special message which I’m sure God wanted me to see at the exact moment I did. Just after hitting the post on a status update saying that I was having a sort of counterproductive panic attack about there being a huge wrench thrown into the plans I made of my transition between employment, an inspirational graphic of the boldest I’ve seen thus far spoke louder than the words popping out from my iPhone screen (seen in image below).

It was as if I already knew I probably shouldn’t be worried about the hitch in my plan. It’s not MY plan. We should know as Christians that by default whatever bad or good happens to us is GOD’s plan. Sure He gave use free will but we’re ultimately guided by Him and the things (sort of) out of our control are always in His power. Do any of us really remember that in the heat of the moment of worry and anguish? Simply put, no. If we did, I’m not sure any of us would have a beating heart. It takes that momentary glitch in our brain for at least two seconds to revert back to our faith that God’s got this. Then our hearts are once again filled with the peace of Jesus. As mine is now.

Just the other day I ran into a passage about when we’re about to step into our next life adventure, that we shouldn’t be surprised when we hit a minor setback. However that by our persevering faith, we will make it through just fine and the journey will still happen by the grace of God. It’s comforting to know that if we put all our trust in Our Father, that He’ll provide our needs as a reward of our unfailing faith. Remember that. Hang onto it, my friends.

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31)

With all that being said, I’m at peace being able to jot out my humanistic thoughts and bring resolve to the solutions. It’s very real for all of you to have those moments, too. I just wanted this to be a very first-hand account of what it feels like to “just say Jesus!” So bring on tomorrow… if a flood happens to wash through and get me wet, I’ll at least be dignified that God’s provided this Autistic fella with a momentary action plan. But maybe a word to the wise for anyone out there that may not know better, heed this advice. It’s probably not a good idea to toss out the hint of a written two to three week notice to your manager until you’re officially ready to sign said paper. My fat mouth got ahead of my actions with that one!

If you’re up for an outstanding tune before you go, make sure your speaker is on and press play below. Goodnight, my friends. For whatever we’ve got going for us tomorrow– good or bad– He’s got our six!