Have you ever had so much joy in your heart you were just about to burst, but yet you know that you still have to remain humble and pragmatic? But also you figure the best person to talk to about your joy would be to send it straight up to the big cheese Himself?
Well, that’s happening. Right now. As I prepare to brush my teeth and go to sleep, I sent up a little friendly warning to God with a big grin–“You’re about to get a long talkin’ to, so you’d better buckle your seatbelt!”
“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” -CS Lewis
It’s 6:30 in the morning. A year ago, I would have demanded to hear of somebody’s ultimate misfortune or a serious legitimate need to get my rump out of bed this early. But I’ve recognized as we grow older, it becomes easier to wake up earlier. As long as there’s a shower, I’m typically okay. Coffee doesn’t do much for me unless it’s in a paper cup with a fancy green logo. Truth is, I’m kind of a snob. I prefer Apple electronics, I only eat Wendy’s chili and I’m a man of many regimented ways. But I digress, I’d go back to bed but I have to confess absolutely nothing would get accomplished. You see, it’s Christmas Eve now. And since today was deemed by my employer for all intents and purposes a furlough day (see: piping mad, starving artist), what better day to get the many things I need accomplished? But also, it’s a damn fine day to tell the truth… on all facets.
Forgiveness. If I had to label 2014 with one word, I’d have to smack a big-whopping label that annotates: “F O R G I V E N E S S.” This year has been full of it, whether I’d been on the giving or receiving end of things. The Bible tells us of many ways and reasons to forgive. But ultimately, there’s no greater sign of forgiveness than the story of Jesus dying for our sins. Awww damn-it that’s the wrong holiday, Carl. But it isn’t. The birth of our Savior is just as forgiveness-friendly as the death of Him.
Just as soon as I finish posting this entry, I’ll be toting off to the bathroom to get a shower. Nope, I won’t shave. I think I’ve finally mastered this bearded mongrel fashion exquisitely. As I get dressed, I won’t help but think about how this year I’d finally given myself the forgiveness my conscience was in search of. After finding out about the Hepatitis last year, I’d given up on thinking I had any control of the future. I gave back into alcohol as a release and while it felt good at the time, it was only killing me faster than the disease. Well today I’m headed to my two month meeting at AA. I couldn’t be any prouder of myself– but it most definitely wouldn’t be possible without the self-forgiveness I had to offer my soul. I’m at peace with myself (well for the most part). Christmas day is a gift in and of itself for me, because it marks two months without a drop of alcohol.
As you and I head into the enigma a holiday offers families from all walks of life, I cannot help but remind even myself that forgiveness is futile. What on Earth is so detrimental that we cannot just let go and let God? I have to say that while I’m ashamed of some of the members in my own blood family, I forgive them all the same. But the stark reality is some of them haven’t changed their hearts a bit. Rewind to 6 years ago. Christmas of 2008 had a far different course of events than today. I knew (by ways of my vivid dreams and extra sensory perception) that it would be my mother’s last Christmas with us. Sure enough, January came and with it the evil deity of death arrived on my doorstep. My mother died January 17th, 2009. Thereafter, some relatives on her side of the family put up a wall greater than that of the size in Berlin. If people were to still be included a part of that side, they’d have to choose the side opposing my father. Even I was faced with the harsh ultimatum– leading to my eventual disappearance from Colorado. I lived off the grid successfully for at least a couple years before thankfully my father and step mom found me via some means. They wanted to extend their forgiveness to me in 2012, but I myself hadn’t wanted to accept it yet. But let me finish my earlier thought. Honestly, what a horrible thing to do. I forgive and I love my mom’s side of the family nonetheless. I just wished their hearts and their minds would be more perceptive to forgiveness as my dad and step mom have for me. I can only pray that this time next year, there is one giant happy medium amongst everyone. But it certainly won’t happen without the power of forgiveness.
“If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent an educator. If our greatest need had been technology, God would have sent us a scientist. If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist. But since our greatest need was (and is) forgiveness, God sent us a Savior.” – Max Lucado, In the Manger
I’ll simply repeat this again. I, Carl, am a recovering alcoholic, Apple snob and eater of only Wendy’s chili and drinker of only Starbucks coffee. I’m fast at the tongue and slow in the brain and I prefer a routine with advanced planning rather than flying by the seat of my jeans. But that’s okay, because this fine Christmas day, I’m delivered from fault and forgiven by the birth of Christ. And so are you. Merry Christmas, everyone. I sincerely hope you find the warmth and all the love you require to be safe and happy.
Very rarely do I get epiphany’s. It’s oftentimes the opposite– a lackluster, rasping gear in my noggin making every attempt to complete a full rotation. Several weeks back I was already compelled to apply for a Supervisor position within my company. I felt as if God was directing me to do such a thing, especially since I was in the process of reading a book “It’s Your Time” by Joel Osteen. He annotates, You’re Closer Than You Think!
Every day thereafter, I kept reminding myself that I was closer than I thought. My payday was coming– well in short it did… a long time coming, if anyone who’s gone through an employment transition knows what I’m talking about. But it turned out that Supervising was going to take away from my passion. My absolute passions are Graphic Design and Writing (mostly script writing now). But as much as I’ve wanted to branch out into the world of Film & Production, I’d always been completely blown away by the expensive startup it requires. What a major cop-out to let cost of any sort get in the way of goals and dreams!
The other day I wrote a script for a short film. It wasn’t a terribly long one, most short films that win at the festivals are anywhere from 10-30 minutes. It’s not so much the length that makes a good composition as it is the writing, acting and cinematic elements. But the story is just perfect. After writing the draft copy, I immediately knew that I needed to branch out officially and work with filming and production. But that cost is painful. God never told anyone that anything in life would be easy, He tells us that it’s going to be worth it. Now that I’m in a full time job that requires very little moving around and being on my feet, I’m going to get a second part time job to work on my days off from my original employment. Any wages earned from this part time venture will go straight into getting the things I need to make my goals successful. That means turning my spare bedroom into a production studio. After fully converting my computers to all Mac and getting my first two cameras, I’ll be well on my way. This means that by May of 2015, I’ll have my first short film ready to produce and enter the circuit of Film Fests– Sundance, United FF, etc.
But the message is clear now. I’m closer than I think! It’s gonna be hard work, but it will be the first major reward I’ve been able to achieve in quite a while.
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.” Hebrews 10:35 NIV
This can apply to any of us, which is why I’ve decided to share with all of you that God wants us to persevere and keep trucking. This is because if we keep motoring along the highway, we’re going to reach that destination. So when you think about it, each step makes you closer than you think!
I am very proud to announce that my directorial debut will be with the short film by the end of Springtime. Finding Ground is a rousing story of Jared York, a guy with Asperger’s. He’s convinced himself that he’ll never find a friend who understands exactly who and how he is. That’s before he met Melody Ground, a young woman with Asperger’s within his very own church congregation. After a chance encounter with Melody, the two blossom their friendship into a relationship sharing a deeper intimacy for each other’s social and practical struggles.
What things have you wanted to do lately? Maybe it’s time to bite the bullet and just leap into the lake already!
A noteworthy minister and very wise woman, Joyce Meyer, once said: “We should never let material things get ahead of God or become so important in our lives that we can’t walk away from them if He tells us to. Anything you own that has a hold on you is a problem.”
We have way too much stuff in our life. From phones to tablets and shoes for all occasions. Jesus didn’t have telephones or technology period. Well he did, technology back then was considered his tools for carpentry. And the only shoes were sandals handmade from leather. Many of us find a different recognition to the definition of “downsizing” and with today’s economy and societal pressures, we cling to many different facets of preservation for fear that we may one day face the wrath of its multiple stings. Some think downsizing is about losing jobs, losing things they treasure– useless and meaningless material belongings that any of us probably can do without.
For me, I find myself relegating almost every year it seems now. It’s almost as if I go through major life lessons and learn how to be humble every time with greater intensity than the prior. This path I find myself now treading along is a major downsize in lifestyle and perhaps the biggest downgrade of my life. I realized that in order to start working at the place I enjoyed seven years ago, I’ll have to learn how to live on less for a little while as I will be starting from the bottom of the company ladder again. It’s not impossible because as we all know “I can do all things in Christ, that who strengthens me.” (Phil 4:13) However it will take some serious buckling down. I mean as in to not eat fast food for lunch every day as if it’s healthy to do anyway. As much as I’d love to attest that the great golden arches are a divine gift straight from heaven, I’d be seriously misleading the world into thinking obesity and diabetes were God’s idea of a good time. Trimming to the essentials for me now has involved removing certain pleasures and influences I once held very close to.
I took comfort in knowing I had stuff– nice stuff, cool stuff, popular people and “friends.” But then I came across this verse from the first epistle of John. Jesus’ disciple proclaims to all of Christ’s followers:
“Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.” (1 John 2:15-17)
Television ruled my world. Since I needed the money more than I needed the entertainment value, I sold my televisions to people in online yard sales on Facebook. I have done just fine without it for over a week now. I’ve done more reading and I can still catch up on some current season runs of network shows with Hulu+ and past season episodes on Netflix. Having a computer in today’s world almost equals to owning a television in the same unit. This will also help level out the slighter loss in wage since I won’t need to pay for internet service and cable TV channels.
As of very late I came to such stark realizations that certain people (influences in my life) are not healthy to keep hold of. It doesn’t mean any of these individuals are bad folks, it just means I’ve found myself grown completely apart from our original relationship. People grow and evolve and sometimes they just don’t align up with each other anymore as they once used to. God places each of us on different paths for a reason– and for a season. When that season is up, sometimes we keep holding onto the frail rose stem thinking that the bud completely bereft of life will re-blossom. But the season has passed and thus has the relationship. As much as I’d kept hoping it would come back, God didn’t intend for it to re-blossom. Flowers grow, they shine and they die. He plants new seeds and we find new people in our life. At least for myself, I have realized that the truest of my friends are the aged and wise trees that God planted in my life. For they grow as I grow and even though the leaves change in autumn and fall by winter, they’re still there with me standing strong and tall ready to cover me again.
Furniture. Yes, I got rid of a very nice set of furniture because I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford the remaining payments on it. So what I do now when my friend comes over to have dinner with me, I bring my all-in-one touchscreen computer and place it on my dining table so we can watch a show on Hulu or Netflix while eating our meal in the kitchen… my dining chairs aren’t of exactly the same comfort as my living room set, but they keep us from standing the entire time!
“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” (Philippians 3:7-8)
After going on two weeks of having less stuff and a much emptier apartment, I have understood that God’s blessings for me are often taken for granted. A television isn’t going to get me farther down this path. Surely as much as I know about learning from shows, the ultimate textbook is resting on top of my bedroom dresser-drawers. A couch and super comfy chairs aren’t going to serve any extra purpose other than another spot to rest my stump when I have other chairs and a bed that will suffice. I’ve got a roof over my head, food in my belly and a pillow to rest my head. Some people don’t have any of that. That is in essence the real lesson of humbleness– one I vow to continue exploring more of along my newest journey.
What kinds of stuff do you think you may want to try going without? Chances are if you do, you may not miss it all that much and maybe you’ll even learn a new thing or two!
PS: I’m not completely French fry depraved. I will sparingly allow myself the delicacy of McDonald’s fries on a rare occasion!
The Heart Mechanic 