How a Single Night of Failure Provided a Bridge to God’s Timely Blessings

I don’t know about you, but I can never seem to put on my socks whilst standing. Call it lack of equilibrium, or I’m bigger boned than most, or whatever you will. An excuse isn’t going to miraculously give me that ability, because I am not capable of creating miracles all by myself. If I lift one leg and hunch over, I’m just bound to fall over. Only when I am seated, can I truly focus on putting the socks to cover my tootsies– safely and comfortably. You might be thinking I’m about to write about self-reliance. While this aligns nicely, I am also speaking up about patience. Taking things one at a time to focus on whatever I need to without the, well, fear of failing. We hate failing in today’s world, don’t we? But we certainly don’t have to fear that. In the words of Duckie, one of my favorite childhood cartoon characters in “The Land Before Time”… Nope, nope, nope.

Earlier this week, I shared a personal story about a huge struggle I encountered after The Big Cheese took my momma back home to be in His kingdom. That particular feat began with lots of physical pain which doctors couldn’t define what was causing me to feel all that I was suffering. With a lack of answers why, they tossed around words like “psychosomatic” and “idiopathic.” I grew even more frustrated because it was affecting my ability to stand, and work in anyplace which required me to stand for long periods of time–or use my legs at all for that matter. This persisted for a good year, and you know what ultimately caused it? Worry. Nothing was getting better. My life was not improving, even after overcoming my for-all-intents-and-purposes… addiction to painkillers and muscle relaxers.

“Be patient, therefore, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.” (James 5:7-8 ESV)

Nine years ago, I might have cracked open to scripture only in the frailest and darkest of times. And only then, that was maybe a couple times a year. Looking back now, I can identify that period of time as a result of little patience. I thought I was able to do everything myself, despite my legs turning into grape jelly. That’s when I met Bea, whom I consider my life adviser. We’d crossed digital paths in a Facebook group for writers. This was when I realized, God put her in my life for a reason. She was very much a motherly figure, the kind of emotional support a human provides another. I’d joined a temp agency to try even earn fifty bucks that week, if that’s all it would turn up.

The next day, I got a call asking if I was willing to work with a catering company who needed help at a wedding event. Having never served anyone anything in my life before but sass mouth, I was uncertain if I was a good fit. Since I was anything but a coward, I put forth the attitude to try. But this temp job required a white oxford shirt and black pants, of which I had neither. I spoke with Bea on the phone about the opportunity and she offered the encouragement that I should try it. The fact I lacked to meet their clothing requirements was in fact, no obstacle at all. Bea went to her local Chase Bank and deposited the money needed into my account so I could go to Walmart and jump through that hoop.

Evening arrived and I drove myself to the catering business’s central kitchen and helped load the van of all the food and utensils needed at the venue. I rode with them and a handful of other workers to the wedding site. This is where things went downhill, in the most literal and figurative sense combined. The venue was behind a clubhouse which literally rested at the top of a hill. After the reception began, I was shuffling my ‘big bones’ up and down a hill for three hours. Because of my mobility concerns, my head rarely looked up from the ground. I was pouty because I was uncomfortable physically and mentally (see; I have never liked large groups of people). If I had to count how many times I genuinely smiled instead of plastering a fake one, I’d say it was only during a brief conversation with a lady whom was my Home Economics Teacher in middle school.

Fast forward an hour later. Silver platter in hand with my head locked-in on the ground, a gentleman I didn’t see in my peripheral vision was headed up the incline as I was stepping down. We bumped into each other, causing the tray of disgusting looking tapas to smash firmly into his shirt which probably cost more than I was surely making that evening. Little did I know at the time, it was the father of the bride. Major yikes. What I was sure of, was upon impact, I lost balance and tumbled down the hill. Not one soul walked over to help me up or see if I was even okay. I picked myself up, walked over to pick up the tray and hobbled myself back to the catering tent where I sulked for about twenty minutes wondering why I was putting myself through such torture.

After having my pity-party, I was asked to help serve dessert to everyone seated at the tables where I was required to hold a platter of cake slices above one hand and a carafe of hot coffee in the other. Of course, my little blunder caught most people’s attention, I was being criminalized because I ran into the bride’s dad. Like how dare I be clumsy, right? Bouncing from this table to another, I was sure to catch the stink eye and disgusting sighs from people in the wedding party. I didn’t like how rude they were, and by that point I was just “not having it” so I sat the carafe of hot coffee down on the last table I’d served, dropped the tray which thankfully was bare by that point. Put my hands in the air, proclaiming, “You guys are horrible people. Mean and rude people.”

I hobbled toward to the caterers tent and told the owner that I just couldn’t do it anymore and my legs were giving out. I needed to just go home and clean up the scrape on my arm which had came in contact with the sharp edge of a rock on the tumble down. He let out a cavernous sigh, but appeared to not show a look of surprise before replying, “I get it, I’m sorry this didn’t work out.” He reached into his pocket and handed me cash from his own wallet. It was $100. That was certainly way more than I would have earned if the night went without a hitch (no pun intended). He said if I could sit down and wait a few minutes, he would take me back to my parked car at their business. He apologized for my fall and showed me so much grace and understanding. I called Bea while sitting down to wait for him. I was distraught and having a breakdown. For I failed miserably, yet somehow The Lord came through this man with a generous and understanding heart. I could see some disappointment in the owner’s eyes. But if I could place my finger on his true feelings, he showed more understanding and compassion than giving the enemy a bridge into my mind which had already been in a fragile state. He bore the fruit of the Spirit which was certainly everything mentioned in the below scripture.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.” (Galatians 5:22 ESV)

The next morning, I returned to Walmart to get some food with that very gesture of Faith from the catering proprietor. As I was leaving, I ran into an old colleague from a previous job. She told me that her ex-husband was needing a couple new employees at Pier One Imports. Some of you know me personally, and know where I’m headed with this. That job, combined with the help and support of Bea and her husband, is what lead me into the new life I’d established in Indiana. Pier One Imports let me transfer to a store in the Hoosier state so I wasn’t moving with no employment.

What is something you can look back and say, “Huh, you know it was through patience and taking one moment at a time which led me to XYZ?” For certainly had I not taken one moment at a time and not experienced that evening, I wouldn’t have been blessed with the “early rain” [the Pier One Imports job] which led to the “late rain” [the end result which was employment post-move].

God is never early, He is never late. But He’s always on time.

You’ve all heard that phrase, surely. The Hebrew translation to this is referred to as mow’ed, which means ‘appointed time and place.’ We just need to be patient and believe that God is going to arrive on time.

Prayer:

“Yahweh, please help me and all your children sit still just a bit longer. Let us put our Faith in your plan and learn to take it one moment, one step at a time. For nothing we try ourselves is ever going to hurry your mighty power even a second quicker. I appreciate the blessings you bring into our lives each and every day, which were in your will to happen timely and seamlessly. Hallelujah to you and your perfect son Jesus for letting our hearts beat according to your clock and not our own here on this green earth. Amen!”

Why It’s Taking Me a Decade to Learn a Lesson from My Mother

A couple months ago, my church’s Pastor taught a series about choosing scripture which has or had a large part of our lives. Something with absolute meaning that you can recite it with absolute certainty of some definition of your life. Through the bedlam of losing my mother when I was barely old enough to buy a beer, a verse always stuck out. In fact, I’d found that particular scripture on a small glass plaque at Dollar tree. I bought a little double-sided foam adhesive and stuck it to the dash of my car so every time I climbed inside, I could always be reminded that I could do all things through Christ, who strengthen[ed] me. (Phil. 4:13) This began to lose value in my mind back then after bearing first-hand experience with physical and emotional abuse from family. This lead me down a path of self-destructive behavior and that particular scripture didn’t feel like it defined me anymore.
Fast forward to present day. The only life lesson or euphemism I have even known to match this subject until the last week, was: “Wish in one hand and crap in the other… see which fills up faster.” While this may be a crude way of thinking about it, there’s some practicality to such a statement.
When my mom died, I didn’t realize I’d be learning lessons from her over a decade later in life. She was wise and taught me many things a good mother does for her children, but I wouldn’t say we practiced religion on a constant basis–if at all. In fact, it was me who at a young age in middle school who was the most curious to learn about Jesus. But anyway, in the months leading up to her departure from this Earth, she studied her bible (I’d say religiously, but we all can see the irony in the pun) and began to quieten her mind. She started to selectively choose her time and what she did with it, and I’d have to say that the TV was only on in the background so she wasn’t at home all alone in pure silence. This was a woman who taped all her favorite soap operas and engrossed her mind in the drama of fictional characters who get paid to play a role. But that stopped suddenly and her attention diverted to the real-life characters in The Bible.
Shortly after that awful time, my dad and I began to give the house a bit of a deep cleaning. I found her bible which had been bookmarked to the Psalms of David. Right there amidst a sea of words, Psalm 23:1-4 was highlighted:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Though this is one of the most popular scriptures today, in the history of my life I never really gave it much thought. Especially since any time I would read it in any capacity before, it seemed like such a churchy end-of-life way of accepting death. In fact, it is widely quoted at funerals. It wasn’t until recently, when I began to study author Max Lucado’s interpretation of Psalm 23 as a core statement for one’s life, and now it’s just as clear as day in my mind. This is most of the foundation of my life since my mother passed away. This was her life verse and now I’m kind of thinking that on a higher spiritual level, that God (and my mom) have been trying to point me to this, yet all this time I have not listened like an ill-mannered child. Like as to send me a message saying that, “I might not be around forever, and you will not have much in this life, but you will have God’s love every day of your life. And that is all you need.”
Max Lucado is very effective in helping his audience realize that we need-not wanting of worldly things, because as long as we have God, we will have everything we really need. In his book, Traveling Light, Mr. Lucado hits on many key-points which helps me realize some parallels to my own life in at least the past three years, but I will go on to say for much longer than that. They will be broken up into the different areas in this multifaceted scripture.
If you haven’t read this book, please do and follow along with my blog this month as I apply a comparative-contrast of David’s outcry and how it’s so relevant to my life. Though, I will close with this. My new life verse, I am trying to choose between a few. However, this one speaks most to me currently-

But godliness with contentment is great gain.

1 Timothy 6:6

Hi, My Name’s David… but You’ve Only Known Me as Carl for 30 years!

I woke up a bit later than usual, after being back to work my body has realized that it actually has to move around. Why, I’d Never Ever Know… *sigh* But I digress, being back to work has stricken a much stricter and appreciation for sleep.

There are those random times that spark conversation among family members. We’ve all had them– you know the secrets that lay deep inside a family for decades. My moment was a couple weeks ago when I received confirmation to some life long questions that I’d always had as a kid and nobody would give me a straight answer. Yet I don’t know why they’d keep it away from me, I’ve always been wiser than my years (at least via common sense and understanding).

I was supposed to be a twin. Yes, that’s right. That is also why I was born premature. That in itself isn’t why I’m suggesting this as a blog topic, yet just a mere bit of backstory. Because the American tradition is to usually name children after their father’s/mother’s is a very common occurrence, Carl wasn’t the original name my mother had in mind for me. But after a rough pregnancy and surviving the miscarriage of who would then be my twin sister, my mom wanted to follow the pattern from my other half-brothers– naming them biblically. My oldest is named John and my middle brother is named Thomas.

My mother wanted to name me David– not only because I fought hard to be in this world and she knew that I’d do something great (that hasn’t exactly happened yet by the way) and David was among one of her favorite biblical people.

After putting together the puzzle after over twenty years, I can relate to the live of David himself. I’ve always been after God’s own heart. Year after year, I have tried to achieve true Christ-like behaviors and be the best I can be. But then I have mountains, beasts, hurdles and lustful temptation that get in the way. I have fought them all time and time again, yet I fall down and get back up just like David himself. While I’m not a King of Israel and the only King I want to be is maybe of the Whopper– since I adore food way too much– my life resembles David to a tee. By the way, I’ve faced and conquered the stings and battled Judah and Satan quite often in this lifetime.

Ultimately because my father wanted his name passed down, I entered the world as Carl instead of David. But it explains why I’ve always shared a fondness and stark similarity to the life of David himself. I’ll even go to admit (though maybe explain why in a separate post) why I’ve even ran away from my own family before just as David did several times.

In short, since I have lived with the name Carl for nearly 30 years, I may continue with it. I’ve never been fond of my name (to be quite honest) but just as my grade school desk structure– it’s been assigned to me and thus I’ve continued to go by it (and a couple variations) all throughout. I may decide to legally change my name to David one of these days. But after reaching the midway point in life (so it seems) it renders useless to change by now.

So there you have the family secret– among the other as well. Now would be a good time to ask your relatives if they’re missing out on telling you things you should know by now. I’m even quite surprised my mother didn’t tell me any of this on her deathbed. Even I thought to confess to her of all those times when I was a kid (too young to probably warrant being in a movie theater alone) and said I was meeting friends and their parents, I really went alone because I adored my alone time away from home. Now you get why I’ve always been wiser than my years in that aspect.

The Face of Change and A Simpler Heart

As of late, this blog has been bereft of content. The new year rang in with a clap of thunder– raining down quite the shit storm of events. From positional shifts in the employment corner and being downsized into a different department, to familial drama and breaking my sobriety. The old saying goes, “It takes 28 days to break a bad habit.”  So much has happened just within the span of 28 days and the only thing I’ve been able to truly pinpoint as the ‘habit’ was having no control of self at all. We’re constantly reminded (see: jammed down our throats; bible thumping) to leave total faith and trust in God. He created the heavens and the Earth and he will give us what we need. Let me back up for a moment, I do not have what I need and what I did have was nearly robbed straight from under my feet.

While I take a major transition into converting to Buddhism, I cannot help but already feel the relief inside. As an autistic, I have to remain in control of my life and situations. When I lose the reigns on myself, I lose my soul and the end result isn’t pretty. I’m not turning into some devil worshiper, please don’t get that wrong impression. My choice to explore a totally new world of religion and way of living is based on learning to be in total control of myself on the inside. Meditation and quiet reflection and learning to treat myself better– is one of the first steps towards nirvana. (A state of nothingness, purely silent and at peace.) When taking that journey into a vow of silence, I’m sure the only times I will absolutely have to communicate will be my soon to be (Two) workplaces. Talking is vital for selling and collecting– lemme tell ya!  But if I take a month long vow of silence, then that will mean a quiet month or two outside of the jobs.

I may lose some followers, for their fear of being so stricken with the fear of God injected through their veins like some miracle cure for peace. Believe it or not, I am more free with my heart after making this decision because most of the Buddhist ideals have mirrored those of my thoughts and questions even growing up as a child. But I promise you, that I will not be forcing my opinions onto any of you guys. You are free to believe in what and who you desire to. My stories will shift from being geared at fixing you to how I’ve began “fixing me” and my heart… which as of lately I feel has been pumping dust bunnies. So as I clear 90% of my bookshelf containing Bibles and many books within the topics and issues of Christianity, I have the opportunity to now read and learn about enlightenment and peace within Buddhism. Ohhh and my second bedroom will become a place of pure zen– no electronics and a place to think, meditate and relinquish stresses and fears, anguish and the many heartaches that I personally face.

“I will no longer wear a mask and I personally find it counterproductive to place all my hope into the notion that a “god” is going to change my feelings, situations and actions– meanwhile the world around me is crumbling to the ground.”

There most definitely IS a higher power (in my opinion) and that entity does absolutely nothing to change us, heal us nor comfort us. Its existence is to spread energy and if this world could have more peace– it begins from within each of us first and foremost. Catch y’all on my next entry sometime soon!

It’s My Birthday!! It’s My Birthday!! (in Christ)

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Happy Sunday, blog world.

I won’t keep any of you for too long but I wanted to kick off this week of posts about “New Beginnings” and Salvation as this marks my 1^st Birthday as an official Child of Christ. Yes, Today (a year ago) I was baptized for the first (and only) time in my life. I have scratched the insides of my brain trying to figure out how to embed a video of my baptism from my Tumblr site. So the best I can do is provide a link for you guys to click on that will open in a new window or tab of your browser. When it’s finished, you can close the window or tab and you’ll be back on this page.

https://www.tumblr.com/video_file/65267576987/tumblr_mvchprX58q1rncl2j

To kickstart my “Spiritual Birthday Week” I am enjoying all the same things I did exactly a year ago.

I have a luscious beef roast in the kitchen that’s simmering to perfection. Glory be to God for the invention of this thing called a Crockpot.

I am going to watch the exact same movie that I did with my friends in Indy that day. RED starring Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich with Mary-Louise Parker and Morgan Freeman.

The only things missing today from the original day are my Indy friends and my precious pooch, Mini Cooper.

AND YES… I WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE MY EYEGLASSES WITH PASTOR STEVE POE!

Hope all you wonderful guys and gals have a great close to the weekend. See y’all tomorrow back here on The Heart Mechanic!

A Cheese ‘in Time’ Saves Mine

“Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!” (2 Corinthians 9:15)

We are headed into Thanksgiving once again as it’s just around the corner. While I’ve never been a big fan of Halloween, I always jumpstart my preparedness for the big feast. In the spirit of giving thanks, worship comes to mind. As does simplifying in life– for the umpteenth time while I sit here with a square of 60% Cacao Dark Chocolate (an all too recent discovery that I now love dark chocolate), I’m already compelled to burst out into praise. I’ve learned new lessons and relearned old ones. It’s such a cycle of learning that I don’t think any of us are ever prepared to live and let go. Sometimes we can’t just let go of certain things, but we owe it to ourselves and God to try.

I can’t help but recall a funny story from my childhood (well okay, one of the very many) and it all started on a brisk autumn day such as today. I was in the third grade. I sat before a blank sheet of ruled paper (for those of us that didn’t start learning our ABC’s from an iPad app, you know how to appreciate good old fashioned school supplies). “This task is simple. Write down a list of the things you’re thankful for and why, then we’ll explore proper sentence structure,” Mr. BeBe affirmed. But at nine years old, did I really know the right things to be thankful for? And would I be graded on my sentences or would I be judged based on what I thought I was thankful for?

I watched the minute hand make a handful of 360’s while the gears in gourd lacked motion as if somebody stuck my pencil between them bringing all trains of thought to a complete halt. What was I thankful for? Mr. BeBe said this would be the easy part, I thought. Finally a spark… In the words of Gru from Despicable Me—“Liiiigghhtt Bulb.” Already wiser than my years, I figured other kids would write down materialistic items (even though I didn’t know what materialistic meant at nine, I understood the concept) and I imagined of writing down blessings instead of things. I can remember just about everything I’d listed of what I was thankful for.

Cheese, because it’s orange and I like orange and it tastes so good. I considered having cheese was not only a gift available to me every time I opened the fridge door, but it also satisfied my hunger which was practically all the time.

Mindy’s being very nice today. I thought I was thankful for her good behavior because it was already almost lunchtime and I hadn’t got a headache from an annoying classmate. Only years later in middle school, I grew to know a very appropriate and friendly girl inside of Mindy.

Clocks. Granted this wasn’t a very original idea because I’d just spent five minutes staring at it on the wall. But I realized just then that without time, life would cease to exist. And what fun would that be?

Dinosaur bones. I can’t remember exactly why I wrote that down all these decades later, but I’m sure it had some significance then.

Martina McBride. Yes, perhaps the very first musical artist I grew to love. I was grateful for her melodic skill because after a hard day I could just go home and pop in her cassette tape (now I’m really showing my age) and the world was a better place. At least at nine, you couldn’t have convinced me otherwise!

Seeing mommy at school lots. In my early years, my mother was very healthy and extremely active in the Parent-Teacher Alliance and I’d see her at school with other moms all the time and if I wanted a hug during the day, all I’d have to do is walk to the office.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21)

In essence I knew of the simpler things in life even before aging into these double digits. I knew what I was thankful for and listed the important things while all the other kids wrote down Legos, Barbies and their Easy-Bake ovens (of which I asked for at Christmas for three years in a row and never got to have one of my own). Thanks a freakin’ lot, oh jolly Santa Claus! After lunch we learned how to put our list into paragraph form. So today as I clutch my palm into the handle of my mug, I can be thankful for wisdom. For life lessons that are taught and learned over and over again. For God’s grace on all those other kids in my third grade who didn’t treasure the simple life. Just kidding! And for good tasting coffee.

What simplicities are you most appreciative of today? Go forth with peace and love today. Enjoy your hump-day!